So the rugrats and I decided since it was just us three home as "P" had to work that we would head off to the park for lunch....
I hadn't really been to Queens Park since I was my nephews age as, I remember after awhile we became too cool in our heads to hang out there lol... Yet when I was younger I used to think it was this Magical place where life could change...
That the bronze statues would come alive and that the Eagle could fly me to Neverland.... I guess that was my way of escaping life as a child....
But the kids and I had a great time! Picnic lunch and all! :-)
So while making decisions I decided to have a change... So I splashed out for an expensive hair cut and then was convinced I should pop colour thru so went a radical violet LOL
the results as follows......
Yep that's me the past week or two, putting on a happy face. Why? because I am having to watch people I am friends with about to go through something I have always wanted to, yet I will never get to. As much I am happy for them and love the fact they are happy and getting want they want etc. Its bittersweet because they are going through something I always thought I would do and would have done by now. Sadly I have been coming to terms the past few years with the fact that its just never going to happen in my life. My life has taken a different course to what I had dreamed and wanted and there is no point fighting it or wishing for it to change because it wont happen.
I was content and happy as I was till I was faced with this basically every day for the past two months since coming home from Auckland. I am happy for them don't get me wrong, but its all part of the reason I didn't want to get back into teaching. I don't want to be reminded everyday about being forever alone. Because as much as I am ok with that and have things to focus on, having to help someone who is in need due to their pregnancy is kinda hurting like hell... No one seems to really understand why either. Its so frustrating!
I am rather looking forward to being able to go home and get into a routine and start back at uni. At least it will give me something to focus on and take my mind of the shite of the past year or so. I guess one thing I have learned the past year is, I shouldn't try with anything other than what Im good at.... studying and reading.... because anything else ends in disaster.
11 days until Uni starts back and I cant believe I am actually counting down the days but its the one thing giving me something to focus on. I'm supposed to be having a birthday dinner a week after my birthday but I'm already thinking of cancelling it. Every year I just would rather it not happen, this year I'm feeling extremely old. Maybe its due to all the shite I have been through the past year, The loss of friends, the backstabbing, harassment, regret and everything else; but I just wish I could make it not happen at all... I cant even think of a single thing I have achieved in the past year....
At least the past few weeks I have been able to get back into my reading and powered through a few books. Heck Im even looking forward to reading the required readings for my Classics Papers (Yep Im a freak)...
I just wish in some ways I could have a refund on 2013 because this year has so far been worse then 2012. Yet Im still the one making sure everyone else is ok, supporting them emotionally and otherwise and putting on the im ok dont worry about me face and helping others, when whose really been there for me? Emotionally supporting me? because as much as a couple of people say they support me, they are not really there when i need them.... so from here on in... Maybe I need to just go back to me and only me and not say or do anything for anyone or to anyone.... Then life will start coming back to how it was where there was no hassles and i could just focus on what needed to be done and do it.
June is already half way gone and I have been home for just about 8 weeks! Scary thought in some ways but in other ways completely the best thing I have done and maybe I should have done it sooner *shrug* Although I am yet to spend a night at my own house LOL!
I guess in some ways being home has let me see things from other prospective's which in some ways has been a great thing.... In other ways not so much but I guess that will always happen... I am glad though from seeing a few things from other view points it has helped my decision on what I am studying next semester at Vic. As well as making a plan on how to get a head more with it...
It has also helped me see who in my life actually matters and who just take me for granted and expect me to always just be around when they need me and yet not be there in return. Who actually value friendship and who just thinks its something that they can take advantage of..
My focus at the moment is on getting things sorted for uni so when I actually am home, when Miss C is finally born and I wont be longer required where I am so much.... I managed to get a piece of furniture i desperately needed for my room the other day. Which will be picked up the end of the month. I look forward to it in someways as it means the past year will be officially over and I can just be me and do what I need to do for me and to hell with what anyone else thinks or what they feel i should be doing with my life....
I have come to terms with the fact it will always ever be just me and I'm ok with that... because in life nothing is ever fair :) But if it was fair then Life wouldn't be what it is I guess....
I feel like things are slowly but surely heading towards my plan for the next few months. Although I think it will feel more certain once I actually spend a night at my own place. I miss my flatmate/friend lol and I am still yet to meet the other flatmate LOL!
I really wish the next month would go slower as I don't want to be reminded that i will be a year older soon. Yet I still feel I haven't achieved much in the past year :( let alone the past 10 :/ although at least I will only have a yr and a half to be able to start towards being a registered teacher *does a lil dance* Less than what it would've been had i stayed at AUT and I am at least a lil happier doing it down here at home :D
well now to see what the new week is going to hold.....
It's been a quiet 7 days in some ways in my life, after being pushed aside like common trash by someone who always said I meant something to them... I guess I wasn't so important after all in someways as "Actions Speak Louder Than Words" as they say. It hurts and bites after being told it wasn't going to be like that after I come home. Sadly I am home and have been home for just over 3 weeks now and its basically showing me my fears always come true. How can one believe what you say when you go back on your word and say nothing at all....
Another reason my life is a lil quiet in some ways is because I had to change my mobile number due to unwanted messages from some I thought got the hint when I changed my plans and no longer made contact with them after being cornered by them on university grounds. Where even the University did not take the issues seriously, now I change my number and finally the university contacts me to deal with it... Totally not good enough in my opinion! They should have dealt with it when the issues first arose while we were in a class! instead I was made to look unprofessional and treated badly and they got away with their actions scot free!
Luckily I have began moving forward and on Wednesday started the process of sorting my study for semester two with a different university and going back to something I love doing. Roll on semester 2 when I can start my Level 200 Classics Papers, sadly they are paired with a 100 Level stats paper that I now have to take to be able to start my 200level Psychology papers but thats ok, as much as I dislike Stats I guess I will get it done in order to have an exciting year in 2014 study wise.
The past week has been a lil like living in my own personal hell, because as much as I love the fact friends are having babies and got to celebrate mothers day etc I am left feeling hurt due to what I lost with an ex awhile back and reminded that it just wont happen for me. Its not on the books for me to have. Its like I have to put my happy face on for everyone because its not fair on them to know that their happy moments are secretly hurting me. I guess thats something I will just have to live with as its not like anyone can help and at least while they dont know its ok.. At least I succeeded in getting out of attending a baby shower since no-one bothered to actually tell me when it was being held (great organisational skills)....
I had an interesting job interview yesterday for a store I rather like but I am trying not to get my hopes up as I don't want another kick to the guts if i don't get it...
I have decided on a plan at least for the next few months.Which basically is just to focus on going to the gym and saving for my trip next year and getting ready to go back to a sport I enjoy. Focusing on this even if it puts me in a "bubble" as someone calls it at least means the pain goes away and things get a lil easier...
Hopefully as time goes on I can at least live in my own lil bubble and not have to be like i have been the past few months :)
So many changes, and yet everything is still the same... Words I always heard growing up from the parent seem to be ringing true more and more these days.... As my life falls apart more, the more this year keeps plowing forward.
To be honest I wish I could turn back time to this time last year in 2012 where I could prevent so much and not have to feel as I do these days.
- My bank balance wouldn't look so bad
- I wouldn't be hurting emotionally like I am
- I wouldn't be having to purchase furniture again!
- I would be feeling settled and sorted and not a mess a lot of the time
Instead sadly there is no time machine or any possible way of turning back time and so I am left trying to figure out how to keep going without losing the plot. Trying to forget the past year and pretend like it never happened so that in some ways I can keep going without falling apart.
Yet through it all, All I can hear is my mothers words about deserving to be as I am and never deserving to be happy etc. To be honest I am starting think she is probably right, because what have I done or achieved in this life to be happy? I know generally people say always look on the bright side, but honestly what is bright about things I have been through?
So far this life has taught me that those I trust will always hurt me and that I am better off not trusting anyone and staying clear of people in order to make it through the day. Why care or trust anyone when all they do is hurt you and take you for granted/use you? Even family seem to be like that.
I made some changes a few weeks ago in the hopes some would finally leave me alone and stop harassing me due to a certain situation in my life, but apparently that doesn't work. Although I guess they finally may leave me the hell alone now they have finally got what they wanted..... The situation to no longer exist due to the fact I guess someone and I will no longer have contact after something thats happened today....
Just when you think life may slowly be getting a little better a bombshell is dropped that makes you realise life isn't finished kicking your ass to the ground and hurting you... But i guess with the news I should be happy for them but how can you support and be happy for someone when you know its going to end up being a disaster and dont want to watch it happen..... I cant! I finally have realised I cant support something I dont believe is right, and in turn am probably hurting someone I care about. But with the bombshell they dropped I guess it probably doesn't matter as it will be like I never existed once their bombshell is actioned...
So I guess I just have to figure out how to just pretend the past year never happened and just get my life back how it was before.... *sigh* at least now I have my close friends at hand since one of the changes I made happened two weeks ago and I am back where I belong... I may never get what I wanted from life, be doing a degree and job I dont want to do because it reminds me of the fact i will never have my own family or anything of that matter but at least I feel at home.....
I guess the next few months will be the start of getting back to life as it was before this time last year happened.....
Hmmm so it was a lil bit of an up & down week the past week, as I wasn't well and yet travelled to wellington to see friends. Once I got there it wasn't too bad though. It was nice to see a few people (I would say everyone but no I didn't get to see everyone due to time etc).
I got to catch up with "K" several times and head to our favourite cafe in Courtney Place where I always feel I can just be me. Free from everything that's been going on since I left Wellington. Its where "K" and I can go talk girl talk and just relax, As well as try new Noms and have a good giggle. Oh and don't forget the fact they make the best Iced Coffee ever!!! The other best part about having time with "K" is seeing my favourite pampered pooch, Miss Cassy! Who as usual gave Aunty Pix loads of cuddles and puppy kisses!
I got to stay with a good close friend of mine and just forget life and stress for a bit which was nice. I also got to have time with Miss 4 who I have always had a bit of a soft spot for. So we read books and giggled together & took photos etc before she went to her dads on Easter Sunday. I then got to also meet Miss 2 who is just as cute as Miss 4 so of course I fell in love with her too! and if these two are anything to go by their baby sister who is on her way is going to be Gorgeous and full of mischief like her two big sisters!! Spending time with them reminded me of what I probably will never have but it also reminds me that at least I get the fun of being an aunt and just enjoying my time with them.
Yesterday I spent time with my "lil brother" along with "N" so we had quite a few laughs while in the Mall shopping and just generally being nosey. Albeit they both had fun at taking the piss out of me for my silly lil things! But it was nice & relaxing and it felt like I had not been away from home at all.
Today was a different story though after landing back in Auckland last night. It hit me though that I really do not particularly like Auckland. I put up with it and wont let it beat me while I have to be up here but it's not home.
I had another counseling session this afternoon to work through some things from the past etc and things Ive been working on since last year etc etc. Lets just say I really wish there was a White Knight to save me after today's session. I wanted to burst into tears yet i refuse to let myself, I have done enough crying the past 8-9months that its like I am not sure I even have the energy to do it again.
The silly thing is I came to the conclusion its my own fault in one particular situation, I could have got myself out of the situation months ago if only I could let myself break promises and just walk away. Although it would probably still cause me pain for quite some time it would be less stress and things. Silly me instead puts up with being taken for granted and walked over, harassed and hurt. Something I have decided is not going to keep happening if I can help it.
So instead I am going to focus on what I want at the moment which is to get my assignments done and spend a bit more time reading my novel that has sat there being ignored since last week when it arrived and just have some me time. Because really in all honesty I probably don't need a white knight to save me when for years I have been saving myself......... forever alone but yet still happy.
